When I Get Big

“When I get weally weally big, I will be the boss…”

So we kept our nephews this weekend along with a gorgeous 3 year old little girl who belongs to friends of ours. See, this is what us babyless folk do, we steal other people’s children to enjoy. They enjoy the break, we enjoy the noise. It’s a win win people. To say we loved it would be an understatement. We had a 5 year old, 4 year old and a 3 year old. Stress was a flowin’ and giggles were a plenty. If you have never been with a 5 year old, 4 year old and 3 year old together, I highly recommend it. The discussions are the very best part, let me tell ya.

I listened to stories about eyecoytes and well if you don’t know what an eyecoyte is, you are missing out. Let me help you out a little; think coyote. We learned about how eyecoytes are animals that eat plant-eating animals. My nephews are full of all kinds of information. Annalise, the gorgeous 3 year old, told me all about how she had to get home and go to sleep because she told her daddy that she would dream about him. My heart melted into a puddle of tears, in case you were wondering. There was one conversation that I overheard though that made me giggle and intrigued me a bit.

“Carter are you the boss?” Annalise asked in her sweet little voice.

“Well, no, but I will be the boss when I get big like Wes.”

“When I get weally, weally big; I will be the boss.” Annalise said, so very joyfully.

I laughed out loud. Like an LOL kind of laugh, you know those kind. Oh, to be a kid again. Why is it that by nature we are never satisfied? Why do kids want to be ‘big’? Why do we want to be little? I hope you aren’t wanting an answer; I have no idea. I love the innocence of kids, they just have no idea what this world can hold. It is refreshing and scary all at the same time. I hate the thought of anything tragic happening to any of the littles that I know. I hate to say it but after 29 years of experience I don’t think it’s avoidable. Poo on that.

Tonight, I cried. I haven’t in a while and I just felt like I needed to, so I did. I cried because today was hot and Elle was not here. I know that makes perfect sense. J It was hot and we had a church picnic and there were all kinds of sweaty babies there. I love sweaty babies and well, I was sad that Elle was not one of them today. They are just so cute; all hot and red and sweaty. I cried because I miss her. I cried because we had a sweet girl stay the night with us and she was gorgeous but she was not Elle. I cried because sometimes I get tired. Tired of the day to day; tired of wanting to be the boss.

I always want to be the boss. I wish God would let me but pretty much every time I try to be the boss he puts me back in my place; which is not the boss, by the way. I try to control my life, to dream my dreams and push them into action. I try to make his plan fit into my wants but it just doesn’t work that way. I had a dream of a houseful of babies way before I turned 30 but I couldn’t quite boss my way into that one, as much as I tried. I had dreams of a prince charming and a fairy tale marriage and I had to wait for a lot longer than I wanted to for that. I had a dream of quitting my job after only 3 years of working and well, I’m pushing 9.5 years.

Eventually, I guess I will learn that being the boss is not my job, but his job. He is the boss of my life. He is the boss of our story. He is the boss of the day to day and all of the dreams that I have. He is the boss. I can smile and sigh a big sigh of relief. He is the boss, which means that I am not. Some days it is hard to let go but when I do the relief comes. Why can’t I figure that out sooner rather than later? Why does it always seem to take so long? My need for control is out of this world, you all have no idea. Be happy that you are not privy to my insanity.

 The littles at our Valentine's Day Party

I have no idea if any of this makes any sense or if any of you will ever read this blog again…

Jesus, you are in control. I am not. I’m so glad we got that all cleared up. I love you and thank you for being the boss.

Elle’s Mommy

My Beautiful Ellersley

My Beautiful Ellersley,
             There are barely words to describe how much I love you and how thankful I am for you. It has grown, my love and thankfulness; I didn't believe that was possible. You, my sweet, made me a Mommy. You started it all. You made my heart grow and my soul love deeper than ever before. You taught me how to trust, how to cherish and how to keep going. If you had not come, I may have not learned those things.

You, my love, have made me brave. Today I am choosing Joy, strength and peace because of you and our Jesus. Isn't he so fabulous? He gave you to Daddy and I and we thank him every single day. I want you to know that I love you from the depths of my innermost being. You are a part of me and I will carry you forever.

I will NEVER forget you. I will never forget how you felt inside or what you looked like at that first ultrasound. I will never forget your smooth skin or your little feet. I will never forget. You are our first born baby girl.

I need you to know that I am ready. It's time. Thank you for coming to me and living inside for so long. You gave me the greatest Joy!

I am ready to let you go. I am ready to remember with Joy. I am ready to let the tears fade away. I have bottled many to give to Jesus. I can't wait to hand them over to him! I will hand them over, give him a HUGE hug and scoop you up and NEVER let you go. I can't wait, my beautiful one. Your LOVE left a big mark and I thank you so much for it. It has changed me, made me new and I can FINALLY say...I am thankful.

                                I love you to the moon and back a million times over,
                                                                 Mommy

My Wish For You

Mother's Day is approaching...

My heart is ready, my mind is not...

I have over 1 billion thoughts in my head regarding Mother's Day. Every. single. one. is contradictory to the next and every single one is all about me and the self-pity I could be wallowing in. Why do we have to deal with emotions? I mean, seriously, WHAT WAS GOD THINKING? That question has come out of my mouth far too many times in my short 29 years. Anyway, I am going to try to push past the horrendous amounts of self-pity and let you listen to my heart for mommies of all kinds.

I have mentioned in previous posts that being a mommy has always been on my mind and in my heart. It has and it has not changed. I am Nicki and I have a need and it is to be a mommy. Before Ellersley was born I would dream of the days that I would be the one complaining about late nights and early mornings. I wanted to argue with my husband about who changed the diaper last. I wanted to be peed and perhaps, even pooped on. I wanted to be so grouchy at the 3 am feeding that I said things I didn't mean to the man that I love. I wanted a baby. I wanted to know that love and that adoration for something so tiny. I wanted it to happen to us.

Well, the love and the adoration for something so tiny did happen to us. The rest of it, not so much. Ellersley brought so many things but the aches of a mommy's heart, she did not fill. I wanted to take care of her, I wanted to feed her, I wanted to snuggle her day and night, I wanted to take walks with her, I wanted to wash her tiny clothes, I wanted to share her with all of our friends and family. I had so many plans. I must tell you that with Mother's Day coming up I have so many wishes for all of the mommies that I know. My heart aches at the thought that you are not being the mommies that Jesus has called you to be. Jesus has called me to be this kind of mommy and he has called you to be a certain kind of mommy. I am learning, every day, what it means to be Ellersley's mommy and what that should look like. I pray for each of you all the time, that God would grant you the things that you need to be a loving, caring, tender mommy to each and every one of your sweet ones.

I pray that he would give you an attitude of wonder when you look at your little ones. I pray that he would allow your mind to fathom the fact that they are walking and talking miracles. I pray that he would open your eyes to the fact that there are TOO MANY people who wish they were in your shoes. I pray that he would grant you the patience that you need each morning to gather all the littles up and rush them off to school or day care. I pray that he would give you a sweet voice and quiet love when the time comes for discipline. I pray that he would give you the strength to let go and allow them to explore their world. I pray that he would give you a sense of adventure to enjoy life, and all the ups and downs it has to offer, with them. I pray that peace would fill your home. I pray that God would give you an attitude of gratitude for each blessing he has given you. I pray that your marriage would be one of honor and a great example of love and unselfishness. I pray that your home would be full of the joy of Jesus. I pray that you would freely give out hugs and kisses even when they are not welcomed. I pray that you would praise instead of put down.

I pray that God would allow you to see the hurt of this world and in turn it would make you try harder to attain all of the above.

I know this is coming from a woman who is not yet the kind of mommy that you may be but my heart is real. My ache is real. I need you to be this way. It heals my heart to see love in a mama's eyes for all her littles. It heals my heart to see a little girl holding her mama's hand. It heals my heart to watch a mama snuggle her little tiny baby. It heals my heart to hear a mama whisper instead of yell. It heals my heart to hear about story time before bed and playing at the park. These things heal my heart. They allow me to see that there are others out there who love and cherish their babies the same way that I longed to do.

I love this song by Taylor Swift. It reminds me of my childhood and how I love my mama. It makes my heart ache for Ellersley and wish so badly that we could share all the things that I share with my mama. I know that someday we will and all this pain will quickly fade away. I have no patience in my wait for that day!

 

Mama,

My love for you is unending as I know your love for me is the same. I cannot say thank you enough for the life lessons that you have taught me. They are too many to count; to love with no limits, to honor my husband in all things, to give selflessly to all, to live life to the fullest, to laugh or you might cry, to cherish each moment, to love babies with all my heart and to keep Jesus at the forefront of my life. You have given all of yourself to your family, there is no doubt about that. I must tell you that I don't know that there is another person on this planet that I have more fun with, don't tell Wes! :) My life is so full because of you! You have made all of my days the best days! I cannot wait to see you love on all of our babies in this life and the next. Your love for Ellersley has blessed my heart. She loves you very much and the day that she runs to all of us will be the greatest day of our lives! I can't wait to share that with you. I love you from the very depths of my soul and it makes my day when someone says I look and act like you. Love you mama...

Proverbs 31:25-31

She is clothed with strength and dignity,

and she laughs without fear of the future.

When she speaks, her words are wise,

and she gives instructions with kindness.

She carefully watches everything in her household

and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;

but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

Reward her for all she has done.

Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.