Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.
We could not see the whole scope of what God wanted to do. We were stuck on what we thought was best for our hearts; so much so that we could not even see you right in front of us. That day that you came into the picture was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy. Only seconds before you were mentioned our hearts were broken all over again. Another baby girl was ripped from us, no more bows and no more headbands. No more pink walls and no more tutus. We were devastated and we were angry and bitter, yet again. We were burnt and we weren't sure we wanted to even put our hand back toward the stove for another shot. We said no to you and we moved on. Isn't it amazing how God works...He always makes sure He gets His way and we are ever so grateful. I type this with tears today because I am so grateful that He gave us another shot to love you. He opened the door and gave us one more shot to say yes to loving our teeny, tiny chili pepper.
We can hardly put into words what you mean to us. You are the answer to a long awaited desire. You are the answer to years of prayers and you are the soothing ointment to a lot of scars. Our hearts were pretty broken when your sister left, she brought a lot of joy but she left a lot of pain. Since her death our hearts have been soothed by Jesus more and more each day. He has held us and given us joy through all of the painful moments. He has given more than we ever thought was possible after the death of a child; peace that is not comprehendable this side of heaven, joy and laughter overflowing every day, strength to overcome the sadness and patience to wait for his perfect timing. Then, He brought us you. I am trying to think of words to say...I am coming up empty. I am in awe, He has made me speechless.
You are perfect. You are our little chili pepper. You are joy. You are so cute. You are so warm. You are so alive. You are so sweet. You are hilarious. You love to scare mommy. You have the best smiles. You make the most amazing silly faces. You poop a lot. You spit up a lot. You love to snuggle. You are our tiny enchilada. You are so teeny. You love story time. You hate having your blood pressure taken. You have stolen our hearts. You are ours...
You are now two weeks old and we still cannot believe that you belong to us and that they will let us take you out of the NICU some day soon. I am pretty sure that day we will both be wondering when the security guards will come and stop us because this cannot really be real life. We spend most of every day with you. We let you sleep in your little incubator and sometimes we get to hold you. Those moments are like a far away dream...the world turns fuzzy and takes me back to that day with your sister; those moments that are also like a dream. I look down at your little tomato head and I remember hers. Her tiny head and her sweet smell. Your smell is fabulous in a different way, you are a boy and she is a girl...girls are just sweeter smelling, daddy will teach you all about that. I find myself watching you and making sure you are breathing. I hate that I do that and so does daddy but it is what it is. Daddy just keeps saying that he's so grateful that your heart is beating. He and I both love feeling it beating against our chest, one of the best feelings ever.
We are so grateful for you; Isaiah Samuel. You and all of your dinos, and blue hats, and football sleepers and blue blankeys. We never knew we loved blue so much...our hearts leap at the sight of it now. All this time we thought Jesus was growing love for a sweet baby girl and little did we know he had a great, big plan. He had love for us to take for a tiny, sweet, 3lb 10oz little guy. Our hearts have been growing and growing since we got the call to come get you...meeting you was the most surreal experience in our entire life. We couldn't stop smiling and I am sure you thought we were crazy! I am sure you remember but as soon as you saw us you raised both your arms up above your head, like you were doing 'SOOOOO BIG' just for us. You were waiting for us and oh we were waiting for you...what a moment that was for Daddy and I.
We love you our little chili pepper and we cannot wait to do all the things with you that we have been longing to do for many, many years. Jesus has made everything beautiful in his time and we could not be more ecstatic about it...
We love you to the moon and back sweet boy,
Mommy and Daddy